Saying No to a Second Date

How do you let someone down easy after a first date, when you know there won't be second? This is a common question my clients ask after a first date. No one wants to hurt someone else's feelings. They have enjoyed meeting the person but for one reason or another they determine that they do not want to go on a second date.

So instead of making up a crazy story, how about we try being honest! Before we talk about how to politely decline a second date let's discuss fairly and realistically evaluating the first meeting. We've all been there--hashing over the details of a date we've recently had, analyzing the interaction and consulting our friends, all in an attempt to answer one crucial question: Should I see this person again? Ultimately, of course, only you can decide whether you're game for another try.

Usually the concerns a single person has cluster around certain issues:

• Does it matter that you have nothing in common?
• Does it matter if the spark isn't there right away?
• How many chances should you give someone before you give up and move on?

I can't tell you how many times we get feedback from our clients after a date and the two had very different experiences. Is it really fair to make a decision about someone in only a couple of hours? My advice is simple if you liked 50% of what you saw, definitely give the person a second chance, a second opportunity to unfold.

Now let's break down what to do if you absolutely know that you do not want to see the other person for a second time.

Guys:
When you don't want to date a woman again, the best way to end a date is to thank her for an enjoyable evening and let it go at that. Don't promise to call -- she'll expect that you are interested in continuing to date and will wait for that call. Don't get in touch with her after several days and expect her to read your mind (i.e. that you are not interested in a courtship). She'll think that you want to date her again.

If you were set up by a third party, you can have that person call your date to say you're not interested. This way the woman gets the courtesy of a call, without any discomfort on your part or hers. Or you could always call her home number during the daytime, when you know she's at work, and leave a brief message on the machine: "I enjoyed meeting you last night, but I don't think that we are a 'match', to be honest I felt more of a friendship connection than a romantic connection. Best of luck to you, I know you'll make the right guy very happy."

Remember modern girls will follow-up these day with a guy they liked. If she calls you to let you know she had a good time and would like to see you again don't ignore the call, simply use the same message that you had a nice time, but you don't believe that you are a 'match'.

Girls:
At the end of the date if he asks "would you like to get together again?"...do not say "yes" if you are not interested in seeing him for a second time. There really is a kind way to tell a guy that you think he is a very nice person but not a "match" for you. The best thing to do for him is be completely honest with how you feel (but in a nice way). Just say, "Look, I've been thinking about it -- I don't think we're a good "match" and I don't want to waste your time. I think you are a really nice guy and I know you'll make the right girl very happy."

If you genuinely want to move things into the friend zone, be up front about it. Letting him know you'd just like to be friends and that you don't have feelings for him, might hurt him at first but it's better than ignoring him. My male clients often tell me that they can't figure it out..."she said she wanted to get together again". But she hasn't been returning his phone calls or messages asking for a second date, making it clear that she really isn't interested.

So my advice for both the guys and the gals-- Stop being a chicken, time to act mature and be honest. Believe me, your date will respect you for your honesty and you could stay friends...if you both have that in mind.

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